Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
