i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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