Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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