Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Randomize
