Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Randomize
