6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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