I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
