He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
