Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
