I skipped work to stalk him.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Randomize
