i permit you to call me
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
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