And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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