Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
not ubering you a puppy
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
