guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
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