were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
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