I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize