Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
