rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
