Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
