why im i the only drunk person in the library?
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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