Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize