good thing vaginas are great cup holders
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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