do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Randomize
