the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
