Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
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