I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Boobs are out for the taking
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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