don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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