The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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