I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
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