dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
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