true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Randomize
