So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
