dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
