I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
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