don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize