I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
