Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
my shit smells like andre
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
