happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
