Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
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