I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Randomize
