The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
