Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
this beer tastes like vomit already
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
