my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Holy sore nipples Batman
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
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