Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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