Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
