I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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