Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
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