we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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