Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
