the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
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