Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
