captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Dear god my vagina.
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