I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
Ketchup is God's man juice
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
Randomize
