Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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