Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Randomize
