Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
