I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
