Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Randomize
