What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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